Match Madness
20 SPECIALTIES ENTER.
1 GUNNER REIGNS.
Happy Match Week!
For everyone unfamiliar, Match Day is a medical holiday of sorts — a day when graduating medical students celebrate the end of medical school with the greatest gift of all — a job! Picture the highs of Christmas Morning, New Year’s Eve, Halloween, and Mardi Gras all wrapped into one moment. Students across the country access their inner Harry Potter and receive a letter revealing where their medical journey will go next. It’s an incredibly joyous day, full of tears, screams of elation, and so many hugs every student is at risk for a pneumothorax. It just so happens that Match Day coincides with one of my favorite self-proclaimed holidays, March Madness. In honor of medical students achieving their dreams with the cheers of 24/7 basketball roaring behind them, I thought we could all engage in a fun thought experiment.
I seeded 20 medical specialties by recent match charting outcomes competitiveness to square off in a battle for ultimate bragging rights: if each specialty formed its own basketball squad, who would stand above the rest?
Get ready for MATCH MADNESS!
Round 1: Play-In Games
⚕️IM vs. ⚕️👶 Med-Peds
And here…we….go! We start this year’s tourney off with a close-call battle. On paper, IM and Med-Peds brought nearly the same strategy to the court. Both heavily relied on their passing game and exhibited incredible teamwork, running tests in all directions until a clear shot was available. However, both suffered when it came to shot-clock violations. While this indecisiveness posed a threat to both, Med-Peds additionally struggled to narrow its own patient population, giving IM the leg-up in a nail-biting finish.
Winner: IM
👨👩👧👦 FM vs. 🧐 Psych
Our next play-in game had the jack-of-trades Family Med facing the impenetrable Psych wall. Family Med by far came more prepared for any scenario thrown at them: they’ve seen it all. However, the one thing they couldn’t prepare for was psychological warfare. Psych found a way to penetrate the minds of FM and throw them off every free throw taken, leaving Psych victorious.
Winner: Psych
🧠 Neuro vs. 👶 Peds
The next match-up was our first blow-out of the tournament as Neuro flailed against Peds. While Neuro absolutely had the edge in problem-solving during their post-game analysis, it was a little too late to save themselves from a high-energy squad of pediatricians paw-patrolling all year round. They bluey-ed them out. Ok, I’ll stop.
Winner: Peds
💤 Anesthesiology vs. 🚑 EMED
Our final play-in game featured Anesthesiology matching up against EMED. This was a bloodbath as most of Anesthesia’s players preferred sitting on the bench. Emergency medicine on the other hand refused to sit down, not even during halftime, but it’s that kind of endurance training that left Gas gassed and EMED flying by to the next round.
Winner: EMED
Round 2: Sweet Sixteen
♳ Plastics vs. ⚕️IM
To kick off the Sweet Sixteen, we had IM facing off against the #1 overall seed in Plastic Surgery. IM surprised everyone by building a quick lead using a killer intelligent offensive strategy. However, no amount of strategy could defend against the pure precision Plastics brought from beyond the arc, allowing Plastics to nearly escape from upset.
Winner: Plastics
🍆 Urology vs. 🩻 Rads
Our next matchup found Urology winning by…forfeit?? The moment the stadium lights came on, Radiology jolted off the court like cockroaches back to their safe, dark locker room.
Winner: Urology
☀️ Derm vs. 🔬 Path
Two forfeits in a row? Much apologies to the fans as Derm was left waiting for a Pathology team that never showed. They did, however, send a well-worded report explaining why being surrounded by people was simply not an option. Suffice it to say, Derm was more than happy to have a light schedule this week.
Winner: Derm
🚑 EMED vs. 👂ENT
This was a match for the ages. Pre-game was full of drama as reports circled of the entire ENT squad coming down with a URI. However, they remarkably decided to play through the pain. In the second half, the URI sea spread across the court leaving ENT bartered and fatigued. However, EMED was more than immune due to their seasoned URI exposure and finished with a buzzer-beater upset!
Winner: EMED
🧠🔪 Neurosurgery vs. 🧐 Psych
The Sweet Sixteen continued with a battle of the brains. Psych came out strong with the powerful mind games that got them this far…but you can’t psych out a god. Neurosurgery swept the floor and sent Psych packing back to therapy.
Winner: Neurosurgery
🏃♂️ PM&R vs. 👀 Optho
Our next match-up pit eyes vs. RICE, with Optho taking the court against PM&R. Optho got to an early lead with precision shooting beyond the arc, and both teams headed into the locker room plagued with injuries. While Optho limped back out to start the second half, PM&R sprinted out healthier than ever. Through sheer force of will and incredible sideline PT, PM&R advanced to the Elite Eight.
Winner: PM&R
🔪 Gen Surgery vs. 🤰 OBGYN
This was the tightest match thus far. An absolute nail-bitter, Gen Surg and OBGYN going blow for blow, shot for shot, leading in a double-OT extravaganza. It was anyone’s game for the taking, but Gen Surg was able to sneak out with the win by placing themselves on IV Sudafed. OBGYN’s fatigue post-multi-prolonged labor deliveries forced them to fall just short of victory.
Winner: Gen Surg
👶 Peds vs. 🦴 Ortho
Absolute. Carnage. That’s all I can say. Suffice it to say, the kiddos can’t bench 225. No amount of stickers Peds brought to the game could protect them from Ortho’s bone-breaking style of play. Ortho was kind enough, however, to set casts for their opponents after the game. At least Peds didn’t go home empty-handed as there were more than enough participation trophies and orange slices to go around.
Winner: Ortho
Round 3: Elite Eight
♳ Plastics vs. 🍆 Urology
The start of Elite Eight play began with Urology coming off an unintended bye-week facing up against the Plastics juggernaut. Even fresh off a bye, and even with the best ball-handling around (😏), Uro couldn’t stop Plastic’s precision deep-3. It’s all good though, Uro found a way to have a great laugh about the whole thing. It is going to take something special to stop Plastics on their path to the championship.
Winner: Plastics
☀️ Derm vs. 🚑 EMED
Our other team coming off a bye got ready to face the tourney’s Cinderella story in Derm vs. EMED. Derm was a heavy favorite coming into tip-off, well-rested with new, firm-pressed jerseys. However, since tip-off didn’t start until 5:00 pm, they attempted to go on strike for going past work hours. The strike was unsuccessful and the game pressed on with a high-octane EMED squad keeping the dream alive. Not only were Derm’s tourney dreams extinguished, but to top it off, they had to drive home past dark.
Winner: EMED
🧠🔪 Neurosurgery vs. 🏃♂️ PM&R
The Elite Eight continued with PM&R taking on Neurosurgery. While PM&R came in fully healed from their Sweet Sixteen scars, Neurosurg was able to reopen them with micro-precision. By the end of the game, Neurosurg had achieved level 9000 God status, and PM&R was left to tend to their wounded. No worries, I’m more than sure they’ll be back on their feet by tomorrow.
Winner: Neurosurgery
🔪 Gen Surg vs. 🦴 Ortho
Welcome to the most anticipated match-up of the tourney: Ortho vs. Gen Surg. Both squads needed to come in with something unique to give them the edge. Ortho’s tactic was to trade out warm'-ups for a quick lifting session on their sideline, an audacious intimidation attempt. However, Gen Surg was unnerved with a more fruitful plan in play. As the game drew on, players from Gen Surg were overheard whispering lab values interpretations into Ortho’s ears. Ortho became enraged and began fouling at will. Gen Surg embraced the pain of each foul, and soon Ortho found themselves in dangerous foul trouble. To everyone’s surprise, the game ended early with every Ortho player fouling out and Gen Surg’s masochism moving on to the Final Four.
Winner: Gen Surg
Round 4: Final Four
♳ Plastics vs 🚑 EMED
IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN….from four to one. The Final Four began with an incredible Cinderella EMED - the lowest seed to start - taking on Plastics - the number one seed. You can’t make this stuff up. Well, I guess I did. Plastics has thrived so far on precision shooting, but they haven’t faced the endurance and grit of EMED. Once EMED was able to adapt and adjust in defending the three, they pulled ahead with five minutes remaining. It was only downhill for our number-one seed from there. Plastics focused too long on creating the perfect shot that clock became the biggest factor. Plastics pulled close in the end, but it wasn’t enough, and our EMED Cinderella story advanced to the final!
Winner: EMED
🧠🔪 Neurosurgery vs. 🔪 Gen Surg
Our other champion contender was determined by a knife fight: Neurosurg vs. Gen Surg. The balance was brutal with both squads bringing hard-core play and cut-throat strategy to the table. The game dragged on to a whopping quadruple overtime, which boded well for Neurosurg well-versed in extended hours. It was looking like it was Neurosurgery’s to lose…and it in fact was. Up by 2 with 10 seconds left, Neurosurg’s ego took over and prematurely celebrated. They tossed the ball high in the air for it to land in the arms of Gen Surg. In a jaw-dropping buzzer-beater, Gen Surg sunk a deep three beyond the arc to send them to the championship!
Winner: Gen Surg
Championship
🚑 EMED vs 🔪 Gen Surg
Here. We. Are. After much blood sweat and tears, two specialties survived to meet in The Championship of Match Madness. After an incredible first half, EMED went into the locker room with a commanding lead. But as the second half began, Gen Surg found themselves quickly closing in the gap. EMED looked uncharacteristically winded, and many suspect their extra play-in game was taking its toll. That high-octane offense eventually had to run out of fuel. With a minute to go, Gen Surg was only six points away from tying. They began fouling EMED to even give themselves a chance. Unfortunately for EMED, precision wasn’t on their side. Their sloppy rushed free throws couldn’t close the game out. Down by three with the clock about to hit zero, Gen Surg tried to make lightening strike twice as they tossed up a three…AND SUNK IT! The clock hit zero: time for OT. But WAIT! A ref rushed towards the Gen Surg shooter on the ground calling a late foul on EMED! This was it: one shot, one shining moment to take the game and the title. The stadium was electric as Gen Surg stepped up to the line, but the deafening noise couldn’t shake Gen Surg’s concentration. With ice in their veins, Gen Surg stared down each member of EMED and spoke their will into existence. They took the shot….and the tournament with it!
Winner:
GENERAL SURGERY
It was a tournament for the ages, full of exciting finishes, heartbreak, and fictional memories to last a hypothetical lifetime. All specialties should be equally proud, just as all applicants should be equally proud of all they’ve done to make it to today. In the true Match Madness, the real winner is you!
I am incredibly grateful to have worked alongside so many wonderful students these past few years, and I can’t wait for the next stage in our lives to begin. In all of the joys and triumphs today brings, try and take a moment just for yourself. Close your eyes. Soak up everything. Match Day will be a day you will never forget, and you’ve earned every moment of it.
If this week did not turn out quite as you’d hoped, remember you are more than your match. Your future is yours to write, as is your journey in medicine. Continue to fight on, for only good things lie ahead.
Think another specialty should’ve made it to the mountaintop? Let me know who think should have won, and let me know what you’d like to see covered next. Until next time, stay healthy and happy reading!
Follow @_tylerbeauchamp for more writing and medicine news!
