Signs

“Patient is a 6-year-old male GCS 12 status post motor vehicle accident. Unresponsive to verbal commands with a 1-inch LLQ laceration. No visible head trau-”

“El, step back.” Mark pulled back on Nicole’s arm, and her shell followed. Nicole hadn’t even noticed she was blocking the door of the hospital hallway. Her mind was solely fixed upon the man hovering over her son, robotically informing other staff of his status. She was too focused to notice other workers jostling around her. Someone may have asked her to take a seat. She didn’t care. Why couldn’t it have been me?

“They want to get a report from us,” Mark said, trying to turn her to face him. “They’re going to take good care of him, best we get out of their way.”

It’s my fault, Nicole’s thoughts overpowered her husband’s efforts. Once a month she must have heard something on the news or a mom at carpool rant about that intersection. “Who’d the city get to design that spot? My 4-year-old could build a better traffic stop outa Legos!” Sherri would say, always quick to give her two cents. Nicole had been reminded a thousand times of that blind spot behind the rounded turn. The overhanging tree obscuring the turn was burned in every driver’s mind in town, yet that didn’t stop a van from crushing the side of their car that morning. The piercing squeal of crushed metal still rang in her ears.

“I- I can’t leave him,” Nicole muttered, still unable to take her eyes off her boy. Mark placed a hand on her back.

“We’re not. We’re all leaving this hospital together. But we need to let them do their jobs right now.” He was always the optimist between the two of them, almost annoyingly so. A woman in a white coat approached them.

“Mr. and Mrs. Turner? Hi, my name is Dr. Halstead, I’m Jacob’s doctor.” Nicole’s lips had frozen. Mark took his wife’s hand.

“Is Jacob going to be ok?” he asked.

“Your son suffered a heavy blow to his abdomen in the accident. We were able to stop the bleeding. He’s stabilizing, but we still need to keep a close eye.” Mark sighed in relief and hugged his wife, who remained frozen.

“God, that’s fantastic news,” he said, shaking her lightly as if trying to charge her with his own positivity. Nicole summoned the strength to ask, “Can we see him?”

Dr. Halstead shook her head. “Not right now. Jacob is still unconscious, most likely from shock. We’re going to take him for a CT and run a few tests. If you’ll have a seat in the waiting area, we’ll let you know as soon as we hear anything.”

Nicole broke out of her husband’s hold. “I thought you said he was stable” Her voice was soft but heavy, not giving an inch.

Dr. Halstead paused before answering. Her eyes danced between the two parents. “Right now, he’s showing all the signs of post-shock recovery, but we need to rule out other causes to be sure.” Nicole tried to speak but the doctor continued. “Your son lost a lot of blood, but we’ve been giving him plenty of fluids and replacement to keep his pressures up. His heart is looking a lot better, his brain is just taking a little longer to catch up.”

“His brain-” Nicole repeated. His brain? I hurt his brain? Her body shut down. The van reappeared before her. Her left hand slipped on the wheel while her right clutched her phone. She felt a hand on her back and tracked the arm to Dr. Halstead.

“I know this is difficult. We’re doing everything we can for Jacob. What he needs from you is for you to take care of yourselves.”

Nicole couldn’t speak. Couldn’t breathe. What if they don’t find out what’s wrong? Mark again spoke up. “Yes, doctor. Thank you, thank you. Please let us know the minute you hear anything.”

Mark took Nicole’s hand and guided her to the emergency room waiting area where the two sat in silence. He was busy playing with his wedding ring, twisting it around his finger like a wrench on a bolt. It was one of his nervous tells, that and humor. On their wedding day, he couldn’t help himself but use his vows as an opportunity for stand-up, much to the chagrin of Nicole’s father. It was one of the things that made her fall in love with him. He always found a way to fill her world with laughter. Eventually, Mark broke their silence spouting off about something he had seen on SNL that week.

“So,” he continued giggling. “He…He’s dressed up as a dog, you see, but holding a cigarette, and everyone at Thanksgiving besides this one guy thinks he’s absolutely adorable, but the one guy just sees a guy in a dog suit, and…” his voice kept going but Nicole stopped listening. I know he’s nervous, she thought. But how can he be laughing right now? Jacob isn’t awake and Mark’s laughing. She replayed the turn again. She was on the phone with Kennedy from the office who was all excited about their agency’s upcoming Bowl Game deal. The Dual-Charge Duracell Bowl, now that kind of ingenuity would make any ad man bright with delight. Nicole was in the middle of asking Kennedy how much they had budgeted for commercials when she saw the tree obfuscating a small “converging” sign. Just as she remembered the warnings, a thunderous clap burst in her ear, knocking the phone flying along with the rest of the car.

Nicole clenched her eyes shut and tried to drive out the memory. “Mark shut up.”

Mark’s jovial grin faded. “Sorry, I was just trying-”

“I know what you were trying and now’s not the time.” She stood up and drew her phone from her purse. “12 missed. I need to take these.” Mark started to speak, but Nicole had already walked away.

On the other side of the waiting room, she started scrolling through her missed calls: 4 from Kennedy, 2 from her secretary, and the rest from her mom. Definitely can’t talk to her right now. Nicole read through her texts and steadied her breath. A litany of “Answer your phone” and “Respond ASAP” from Kennedy filled the screen. I can’t do this right now. She ran her fingers through her hair and breathed in deeply. Too much was happening at once. Why is this happening to me? She looked back across the room at Mark sitting and pulling at his hair. A sharp sting of remorse nipped at Nicole’s chest before a brisk bump shoved her shoulder. She angrily whipped around to find a little girl with sea-green panicked eyes awaiting what Nicole was to do next. Near her feet lay a small soccer ball. The girl hastily tried to pick up with one good arm as the other was covered in a cast.

“I- I’m sorry,” the girl sputtered. “It slipped.”

Nicole’s anger died instantly. She picked up the ball and handed it to the girl. “It’s ok. I like your ball.” A wide smile grew across the girl’s face.

“Thanks, ma’am.” The girl skipped off to run into two adults, one of whom lifted her up and held her with an arm. Nicole for the first time took stock of the waiting room. Two men laughed in the corner reading from a phone between them. An older couple sat silent and still, eyes closed and holding hands. A family of five ran around, the smallest of which pointed at the girl with the soccer ball. And then there was Mark, still with his head in his hands. He looked so much older without a smile. Nicole made her way back to her husband.

“Mark, I’m sorry,” she said.

Mark lifted his head to reveal red teary eyes. He used the corner of his sleeve to wipe his face and said, “He’s going to be all right, you know. Hee will. And it’s ok to be scared, God knows I am too, but we’ve got to-” he was interrupted by Nicole’s ringtone. She looked down and saw Kennedy’s caller-ID.

Nicole picked up, “Hey Kennedy, now’s not really a good- What? No, no we already said we’d go with the second option…because it tested through the roof!...Well, that’s just ridiculous. If Taylor wants to bleed us dry with that sorry excuse of an ad, we can-”

“NICOLE! Will you please put that thing away!?” Mark yelled. The waiting room fell silent. Eyes all around the room staring back at her like critters in the night. The little girl from before stepped behind her father and clutched onto his leg. 

Nicole wasn’t sure what scared her more, a room full of strangers casting disgrace, or her once joyful husband fuming with a stern stare. She hung up the phone. “Sorry I’m just trying to stay busy, that’s all. You know that. Beats what you’re doing.”

“What, trying to be here for you?”

“Trying to make it seem like everything is ok!” She bit back. “And it’s not, Mark! It’s anything but ok.”

“Of course, I know it’s not ok. But it doesn’t help anyone working ourselves up, least of all Jacob.”

“Oh, and going on about late-night skits helps?” Her words dripped with disgust. “Save that for home.”

“Well, I usually do but you wouldn’t know. You know how long it’s been since we’ve had this much time together? This ad has kept you away almost every night.”

Nicole resented that. He agreed. We talked about this, and he agreed. “It’s a big deal, Mark. People in the agency wait years before- “

“I know it’s a big deal, Nicole. I just miss you. And I know Jacob does too.”

He had gone too far. “You didn’t just say that.” Her voice was cold, but Mark pushed on. Something in his eyes screamed he’d been waiting far too long for this.

“He asks where you are at night. He likes it more when you read to him.” His voice began to rise again.

Nicole tried to stay calm. “We agreed,” she said in almost a whisper, “you would stay home until I was made partner. After this year-”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t come home every now and then.”

“What the hell does that mean? I’ve been home all week.”

Mark shook his head. “Yeah, but you’re not really home when you are, are you?”

“What?”

He stood up and unleashed, “You’re always on the phone! It’s like I’m eating dinner with a damn answering machine.”

She rose with fire in her eyes. “Now you’re just being hurtful. I’m not going to apologize for my work. If you had work you cared about-”

“I do. It’s called our family!”

“I’m doing this for our family!”

“You’re always on the phone! You’re not here for your family. You’re on the phone in bed! You’re on the phone at dinner! You were on the phone this morning in the car! Maybe if you weren’t on the phone we’d be home right now and Jacob-” Mark cupped his mouth, but it was too late.

The words sat suspended in air. All those around the room had now averted their gaze desperate to stay hidden. Mark sank back into his chair with dead eyes. Nicole wasn’t even mad at him. Even my husband knows I’m a monster.

“I—I didn’t mean-”

“Yeah, you did. And you’re right. It’s all my fault. I was on the phone. I didn’t see the turn in time, why couldn’t they cut—I didn’t see-” Her words became lost behind a swell of tears. Mark pulled her in close and let her cry into his chest.

“Ja- Jacob,” she sputtered.

Mark ran his fingers through her hair. “I know. I know.” He squeezed her in tighter. “I promise you, it’s going to be ok.”

Nicole wiped away tears. “How can you always say that?”

He kept his hand running through her hair. “You remember the night I was let go?” Ellie, confused, nodded against his chest. “That was one of the worst days of my life. I drove for an hour after, not going anywhere in particular. Just afraid to come home and see how I let you down.”

“Honey, you didn’t let-”

“I felt like I had.” Mark continued. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t deserve to be canned. Ten years there, I couldn’t believe no one vouched for me. Funny thing is two months later the IRS surprised the office. Apparently, someone had been double dipping, and they ended up sweeping the place clean. Some of the guys even got time for it. And where was I? At home, with you and Jacob, watching SNL skits.”

She lifted her head to meet Mark’s eyes. “You never told me that.”

He went on, “Bad things always happen, but time has a sense of humor. The universe, God, something has a plan. It’s just hard to see the signs when you’re in the middle of it all.”

Nicole stopped crying and searched the man she loved. “And what could possibly be good today?” 

Mark let out a long sigh and squeezed her tight. He rested his head against hers and said, “I don't know. Maybe nothing? But I can guarantee you this, we’ll get past it all the same.”

And that’s why I married him. All the jokes, all the frustrating childish behavior, no one ever made her feel safer in the world. She wished she could look through his eyes to see all the hope. Luckily, she had him to find hope for her.

“Mr. and Mrs. Turner?” The two of their heads spun towards Dr. Halstead, who had just come through the waiting room doors.

Nicole and Mark stood, hands intertwined. “Jacob, is he…”

Dr. Halstead’s voice was calm, “Jacob is stable. His pressure and heart rate are back to normal, and he’s recovering well.” Nicole fell to her knees and cried streams of joy. Mark, meanwhile, was looking for high-fives from passersby, utterly confused as to what they were high-fiving for. “There is something else,” Dr. Halstead interjected. Mark picked Nicole up to her feet. “We grabbed a CT to rule out any hemorrhages or swelling that may have caused his loss of consciousness and that was all negative, but we did notice something. A small mass in the base of his skull.”

Mark’s hand tightened around his wife’s, and she gripped back with all her might.

“Jacob has a medulloblastoma, a brain tumor that’s fairly common in children. It’s quite small, probably why he hasn’t shown any deficits yet. We wouldn’t even have thought to look for it, but just got lucky we caught it on the CT.”

Nicole couldn’t believe the words she was hearing. “What does this mean?”

“We’ll need to go in and take it out at some point, but with us finding it so early, I don’t anticipate us having problems. We can leave this for another day, though. For now, go spend some time with Jacob. You’ve all more than earned it.” She smiled and ushered them to follow her through the door. For a moment, neither of them knew how to respond. They turned to one another with shared shock, relief, fear, and joy.

Whatever comes next, we’ll go through it together.

“Mr. and Mrs. Turner?” They turned to face Dr. Halstead. “I know the word ‘tumor’ can be scary to hear, but know that Jacob is completely fine. He doesn’t show a single sign indicating compression, ataxia, or anything that a progressive stage would demonstrate. And we found it, now.” Dr. Halstead took a moment, almost bewildered by her own words. “It’s miraculous.” 

Nicole looked at her husband and smiled. “The universe has no shortage of miracles.”

The happy couple rushed to Jacob’s room to find him lying in bed giggling wildly at the T.V. When Jacob saw his parents, he waved as if nothing had happened that day. 

“Hey, Mom!” said Jacob, a smile stretched across his face.

Nicole’s eyes flushed with tears. “Hey, buddy! How ya feeling?”

“Mom, why are you crying?” asked Jacob, confused. She smiled and crawled into bed with him.

“Just your dad told me about this SNL skit, and I can’t stop laughing.” She motioned for Mark to come join them.

Jacob, excited, asked, “Which one?”

Mark and Nicole shared an adoring look, and he leaped into his story. “Ok so everybody is at Thanksgiving, and you hear a knock at the door and then a guy actually says the words ‘Bark Bark, anyone there?’” Mark went on, but Nicole wasn’t listening for the second time that day. This time, she couldn’t stop staring and the little crinkles in Jacob’s smile as he laughed at his father. Soon, she found herself breaking into laughter. The three of them laughed so loud they drowned out the ringing of her cell phone nearby.