Milestone Moments
IMPOSTER! Just kidding, I love you all. I just finished reading my friend’s new book, “Solo Dancing” (by Rachel Grotheer, check it out here!) where Rachel ties a narrative around interviews starting from the same, single question: When is the boldest you’ve felt in your life? It’s incredible, and it inspired me to do something here. I remember the moment I felt boldest in medicine. It was the moment I finally felt that I had made it as a Medical Student, that I no longer felt like an imposter. So, I took a page out of Rachel’s book this week and asked a few of my friends one question: What’s the moment that imposter syndrome ended for you? Everyone interviewed took such a unique journey to get here and fought through imposter syndrome in their own way. A BSMD student stuck in her own head. A previous EMT and Medical Assistant starting school a bit late. An author with a Master’s in Public Health. A Music Producer and son of a South African Physician. And two remarkable individuals who made it through to match in Pediatrics and Triple board respectively. One of my favorite parts about being in medical school is hearing everyone’s story, so I’m incredibly excited to share these stories with you. Hopefully, they can provide some relief and assurance that you deserve to be where you are. Unequivocally. Let’s break down Imposter Syndrome together.
Liana Mosley (soon to begin Med-Peds at Vanderbilt University)
Liana: At the end of my internal medicine rotation, my last patient was this sweet 80-yr-old woman who came in habitually for dialysis. They gave her to me as an “easy” patient because it was my last day, you know something straightforward to work up. While I was talking with her, she mentioned, “Oh, by the way, I’ve had this breast pain for months. I’ve brought it up at past hospitalizations, but no one has really looked into anything. It’s just been going on for such a long time. ” I told her, “Ok, let me just grab a chaperone and we can do a breast exam for you.” Peau d'orange. True dimpling. Hardness, heat, tenderness. Every sign we learn about for inflammatory breast cancer. I asked her, “Has anyone else looked at this before?” She said, “No, you would be the first.” We ended up extending her stay and she got a biopsy done that day.
The resident I was working with told me, “Hey, you changed the management for this patient that other people in the past had missed. You actually looked. That’s huge.” I really hadn’t thought much of it when it was happening. But in real practice, we can get so busy worrying about all the parameters and lab values that we may not take the time to really listen to everything the patient is saying. So, not only did this moment serve as a warning for me, but also it gave me that feeling of, “Oh my gosh, something I did actually changed an outcome for a patient.” That made med school real for me.
Tyler: That’s incredible. And such a great epiphany to feel you’re having tangible effects on another human being finally! After years of reading about this stuff, you aren’t just filling out a test. You got to change someone’s life for the better. Love it. Well, it was so kind of that resident to go out of their way to lift you up. Let’s try lifting up someone else ourselves. What advice would you give to someone reading this struggling with imposter syndrome right now?
Advice for Working Through Imposter Syndrome:
Liana: I don’t think that feeling ever completely goes away, at least it hasn’t fully for me! I’m getting ready to graduate and become a doctor, but I don’t feel like a true “Dr.” yet. These feelings come and go, but trust yourself. If you look at the evidence of what you’ve done to get to where you are now, it’s all worked out in the past. Why would the energy and effort that served you in the past not serve you moving forward? Also, that same resident told me this: “The only difference between you and an attending is your birthday.” Our teachers and mentors have years of experience, and this is the time when we get to build ours.
@lia_joy
Rushay Amarath (M4 - pursuing Radiology)
Rushay: Towards the end of second year after our music video, I had been doing random case studies to practice. I was really getting hyped and prepped for rotations. I was working through some cases with my Dad (previous Physician in South Africa), whose knowledge and experience just vastly outweighs my own. And there was a moment when I was able to discuss the disease behind the presentation to greater detail than him. That was a huge moment for me, and for him. It was so surreal. It partly has to do with how fast medicine changes, but also it definitely showed how far I had come. It was the moment I realized, “Wow, I’m about to start working towards the level that I had always viewed my Dad on.” It really gave me a lot of confidence going into rotations, because I’ve always seen my father as the best doctor I know.
Tyler: Growing up as the child of a Physician, how did that play a factor in your decision to pursue medicine? Did it impact your journey from imposter syndrome?
Rushay: I grew up actually having this limited understanding of what my Dad’s day-to-day was. He would just go to The Surgery (what South Africans call clinic). I didn’t go to that part of town often, it wasn’t the best part of town to hang around. But I did see how much everyone in the community respected him. They would come to him not just for medical advice, but all advice. He became this trustworthy authority for the town. That definitely propelled me into considering medicine in the first place. But what was really great was I was never pressured from him to go into Medicine. For the longest time, I actually wanted to be an architect, and he was in full support of that. And when I pivoted to medicine, he was in full support of that too. As far as imposter syndrome, there are so many times when I make mistakes in school and he helps me understand the right answer. That’s where the imposter syndrome kicks in for me. I’ll ask myself, “He’s got this. Why can’t I?” That’s the dangerous part of having a parent as a Physician, comparing yourself to them. I have to remind myself I’m not my father. He had his journey and I have mine. He’s not someone to compete with but rather grow with. It took a while to get there, but I’m so glad I have.
Tyler: I think that will hit home with a lot of readers, whether they come from medical families or not. You know, you’ll never have more experience than someone who’s been doing it longer than you, plain and simple. But you can both compound your experiences together and grow forward. For all those out there that are struggling with their own imposter syndrome, what advice would you give to them?
Advice for Working Through Imposter Syndrome:
Rushay: The best thing I could have done earlier is reframe everything as an opportunity. Most of my imposter syndrome moments came from small hiccups I viewed as failures. Once I started viewing those as learning moments to grow, it changed my outlook and perception of myself in medicine.
@ferrero_rushay
Candicee Childs (M4 - pursuing Psychiatry)
Candicee: A single moment would be when I helped deliver a baby for the first time. It was an amazing experience, literally cried. It was so beautiful. Really, though, beginning rotations as a whole was when everything felt real. My OBGYN rotation was only my second rotation, so I was still trying to navigate how to handle the change from pre-clerkship. You know, I had a Bachelor’s and a Master’s, so I was used to going to school and lectures, but this was different. You had to be vulnerable, to make mistakes, actively apply what you’ve learned, and place yourself in the position of a doctor for your patients. Learning how to develop plans and illustrate those to patients, that’s when I realized everything was real. My preceptor really challenged me in developing differentials and plans for each. I had no idea what I was doing, and she told me, “This is the job. When you’re a doctor, this is what you’re getting paid to do. Not just figure out what’s wrong, but make plans on what to do next. So I want you to mess up right now. It’s ok. But I want you to try and figure it out, and I’ll help guide you.” That’s the moment when patients went from being problem-stems in multiple-choice questions to real people expressing real concerns. That’s when I finally felt the why of it all. It’s a responsibility, and it’s a privilege to do this.
Tyler: You very much took a different route to get to Medical School. Getting a Master’s Degree. Publishing your first book. Those are both massive achievements that you did on your own, but they started from a place that seemed foreign at the time. What was it like to go from finishing these experiences to sort of transitioning back to a place that was unfamiliar in Medical school?
Candicee: Honestly, I was just ready for the next chapter. I did my very best from the beginning to try and avoid imposter syndrome by doing a pre-matriculation program prior to starting. That’s where I met a lot of upper-classmen who taught us about imposter syndrome and why we deserved to be here. That really helped me avoid a lot of those imposter feelings, and it even inspired me to write a portion about imposter syndrome in my book. There have definitely been times throughout school when I’ve wondered if I could make it. Am I smart enough? Am I good enough? But one thing I am very proud of is that I really try not to ever put myself down. Whatever I put my mind to, I’m going to get it done. I don’t care if it’s out where the moon is. I’m going to reach for it. I will mention too, being a minority and a woman can be pretty challenging in certain circumstances. The great thing about our class is the minority students really support one another in our endeavors. It can be really intimidating when you’re the only person of color in a room or on a rotation. That’s why I really never thought being a doctor was an option for me growing up. I never saw anyone in medicine that looked like me. There are certainly times when I feel intimidated,
Tyler: That’s so wonderful to hear you’ve been able to find support in one another. I think a lot of the readers will really appreciate seeing that, maybe even help dissuade some fears of their own about pursuing medicine. If you could give any advice to students struggling with those fears, what would you say?
Advice for Working Through Imposter Syndrome:
Candicee: You’re not the first. And you’re not going to be the last. Every student struggles, whether they show it or not. Be confident in your abilities, and learn to truly love yourself. You’re not the only person to feel this way. You’ve made it this far, which so many people haven’t been able to do. Someone decided to take a chance on you. Be kind to yourself, and honor that choice. And if you get delayed, remember you’re never truly denied (the words of Mama Childs). Keep trying and keep pushing, because you are more than deserving.
@candicee_childs
Bharat Sanders (soon to begin triple-board Peds, Psych, Child and Adolescent Psych at the University of Utah)
Bharat: I spent my third year in rural Southwest Georgia, and we were really exposed to the sickest of the sick. Being a Med Student in that environment is really great because we are the member of the healthcare team that has the most time to be with the patient. Even the little things we did could make a great impact. This also meant if we weren’t performing our best, patients might not receive the best healthcare they deserve. Where I was, there were very limited Mental Health resources. I remember a patient that came in with altered mental status and a few other minor symptoms, and after our full workup as well as a brief psych NP consult, she was free to discharge. It was actually later when I was doing practice questions when I read an example patient who reminded me of her presentation. The answer was HIV-associated Neurological Decline (HAND). I called my preceptor and asked if this could have been the patient’s diagnosis as an HIV test was never run. I was really beating myself up about it, and the next time she came to the hospital she indeed passed away from HIV complications. All these thoughts raced through my head. If I had studied more, maybe if I had gotten to this practice problem sooner, but it wasn’t really my job as the student, but also I was the one who had the most time with her…. because we didn’t have the same standard of care of a full-time neurologist on staff as other hospitals have, we lost her. That was the moment where I first felt the responsibility for a patient’s life, and I’ll hold on to this patient for the rest of my career.
Tyler: That must have been so hard for you. It’s a difficult position to be in as a Med Student, to bear those feelings of responsibility toward a patient, yet at the same time know they aren’t really your responsibility yet. Of course, this shows the importance of your clinical years. You need to be faced with these patients and scenarios now so that when you’re practicing, you won’t let the same things happen again.
Bharat: Right, and I guess this is an example of when I actually felt the opposite of an imposter. That my actions were vital to the situation at hand. At the start of Clerkships, I absolutely had those imposter thoughts, but the empowering nature of hands-on experience really pushes those thoughts aside. And I promise the more often you make conscious efforts to connect with your patients, the more you’ll feel like you deserve to be there.
Tyler: I’m curious as you’re getting ready to start residency, and that you’ll be triple boarding of all things (for those of you who don’t know, triple board programs exist that allow you to rotate through multiple residency programs and receive multiple board certifications at the end date. If you’re interested, read more here), are you feeling any resurgence of imposter syndrome?
Bharat: It’s a little nerve-racking to think about at times, especially since a lot of fourth-year isn’t too focused on clinical care. I know going into wards my first week of intern year, now having that responsibility for patients, that can be a little scary. But that’s also where being selective in choosing your Residency Program is very important, to find a group of teachers that will guide you into the water rather than throwing you in, which I’ve definitely found in mine. With triple boarding, you never get as much time per rotation as the categorical Residencies do, so there is an element of constantly playing catch-up. That’ll be challenging, and a constant reminder that just because we’re doctors doesn’t mean we’re super-human. But at the same time, it’ll be wonderful to be able to provide answers for a psych case during peds or a peds case during psych that maybe my team is unfamiliar with.
Tyler: That definitely is something people forget. We tend to put Doctors on a pedestal and fail to think about how they’re just people at work doing their job. They make mistakes and they have to learn from them like the rest of us. What would you tell a student that’s worried about the start of their medical career and making mistakes of their own?
Advice for Working Through Imposter Syndrome:
Bharat: I would say you’re not alone. Everyone feels it, and shared vulnerability is powerful. Even if it seems like the person next to you has it all together, I promise you they don’t. Talk to each other. Share your experiences with one another and support one another.
@bertieb0tt
Saloni Sharma (M4 - pursuing Med-Peds)
Saloni: I went to school in the area around our Medical School, drove past it daily, and walked through often hoping, “This is where I’ll end up one day.” I came into Medical School through our BSMD program, which offers early admittance straight through undergrad. So our cohort is usually on the younger side of each first-year class. That being said, I was one of the youngest within the youngest. So in a lot of ways, now that I was finally here, I really felt like I didn’t belong here. I definitely still feel at times like I have imposter syndrome today. The first time I felt like this was real, though, was as a coordinator for Equality Clinic. The entire clinic is run by students, and as a coordinator, I had a big role in that. Seeing patients, going through the clinical process, working administration, taking ownership of the clinic and being the face of an essential healthcare provider…that was the first time I felt, “wow, this is the path that I chose. And one day I will actually be the one providing care on my own. This is real.”
Tyler: You kind of mentioned this, but I wanted to hear a little more. Do you think being in the same town you went to college for med school impacted the role imposter syndrome played on you? What I mean is, you’ve spent more time there not as a medical student, looking at the med school from a distance, than you have actually as a medical student.
Saloni: I think that’s definitely part of it. For me, the transition between undergrad and med school was super minor. I started med school before my roommates graduated undergrad, but we all still lived together. I just went to a different building during the day, but we all came home to the same place. The same place we had all been for a long time. So there wasn’t any growth in that sense. That growth came when I left the home base for a regional campus my third year. A new town, new people, new patient population. It’s a big part in why I went regional. I loved my home, but I was ready for a change and to get outside of my comfort zone.
Tyler: Your path to medical school is pretty unique with the BSMD program. I mean, I’m not sure I even knew about programs like this when I was applying to college. Were your feelings shared with other BSMD students, all of whom like you who started so young?
Saloni: I think everyone had some level of imposter syndrome. It’s kind of hard not to. I think everyone had that initial struggle in our hazy transition from undergrad to med school. For me in particular, I think I had it a bit more just being one of the youngest in the program, turning 21 just before med school started. It was really an age and experience thing for me that got in my head. Equality clinic helped a lot with that. Coming regional, I met new people whom I figured were years ahead of me in age and experience, only to find out we were really all much of the same. What’s a year or two in the grand scheme of things? We were all going through it together.
Tyler: Of course you deserve to be here, and it’s so glad a new place could help bring that out of you. If you could give any advice to someone struggling with those same feelings, what would you say?
Advice for Working Through Imposter Syndrome:
Saloni: Everyone tells you when you get to medical school “You earned your seat.” And that’s easy to hear, but not always to believe. If you feel imposter syndrome, the person sitting next to you does too. You’re just as qualified, you’re all in the same place now, and you all have each other to go through it together.
@salonisharma105
Support Equality Clinic @equalityclinicaugusta
Kyle Ulversoy (M4 - pursuing Radiology)
Kyle: I’ll say I had a little less of solving imposter syndrome than many might because I had a little bit of a life before med school started. Working as an EMT and a Medical Assistant before, absolutely felt it. But coming in, I felt I had already gotten my feet wet in medicine. It was, though, at one point first-year when I was waiting for someone to say “Hey sorry, joke’s up. You’re not supposed to be here.” And I would be “Aw, you got me!” But then during a Neuro lecture, a professor said “Glad y’all are here. I know it’s hard around this time, many people ending relationships they had started before coming here…” And that’s when it hit me: this is real. These days are real here now, and what we do in them now will affect the rest of our lives. We’re here, putting the time in day-in-day-out. No more theoretical.
Tyler: And how did things change from then for you? Different mindset? Confidence or lack thereof?
Kyle: I think right after that point I just meditated on the day. My confidence did seem to go up from there. I really started to think about how similar Med School was to Engineering (Kyle’s previous pursuits) in terms of work and sacrifice and I sort of realized, “Wait, I could do that before, I can do this too.”
Tyler: So, for you, it seems like your moment maybe came a bit sooner along your medical journey compared to others. Did that have any impact on yourself or your friends, now that you might have been in two different headspaces?
Kyle: I think there were a lot of people just like me at UGA (Kyle participated in our Athens regional campus program his first two years). But there were many who got past imposter syndrome even earlier than I. You know, some people came in with PhDs, so this was nothing for them. But of course, many still questioned whether they deserved to be there. When our class was hit with gloomy times, I along with others felt ok with that mindset we had found. Which meant we could be there for friends and fellow students the same way they were always there for us. It was like I had put my mask on first and others were trying to grab theirs, but I had enough energy now to help reach with them. And I know some people may be worried about being able to expend whatever energy they have left solving other problems, which I totally get. But I feel that when you give to others and pour in their cups, God refills yours in doing so. Just something special about it all.
Tyler: Absolutely love that. And it kind of hits at the core of being in medicine, right? Part of how we stay energized is by actively using our energy on others to solve their problems. Seeing those problems go away propels us to keep going. Alright, what advice do you have for our imposter syndrome patients out there?
Advice for Working Through Imposter Syndrome:
Kyle: Everyone has imposter syndrome. No one’s looking at you differently, the same way no one is alone. Sometimes you’re too busy trying to put together the puzzle pieces of life to notice the person next to you has the missing piece. Reach out to your cohort and others and be vulnerable together. Lean on each other and grow forwards together.
@kyleulversoy
This post meant something different to me. You could probably gather that from it being a little longer than my usual ones. If I could really have it my way, I would’ve had these guys talk for another hour each. They’ve all gone through so much to land where they are, infinite spouts of wisdom. I bet you are too, even if you don’t believe it. I think if you could take away anything from what these wonderful people said, it’s this: you are not alone. We only feel alone when we keep our worries to ourselves. Open up to those around you who without a doubt share those same feelings, and support each other through them. Turn your imposter syndrome into something beautiful. Thank you so much Liana, Rushay, Candicee, Bharat, Saloni, and Kyle for sharing your stories and counsel. You all are such loving people who will become the most incredible physicians. For you all reading, what was your moment? What ended your imposter syndrome? If you’re still going through those struggles, what are your biggest worries? Whatever they are, I want you to share them with one other person today, because the only way we end imposter syndrome is by doing it together.
